That everyday fight to fight emptiness , or finding peace in current moment

Well everyday cant be glorious but at least there has to be something which makes you feel you did not waste your day.

When netflix and chill is cool

A a meal outside or order in is great 

Social media is guilt pleasure

But the overindulgence is what steals the fun.

Weekdays are busy to even think beyond your next task

And Weekends are for introspection 

Am I living or barely existing.

Time wasted on browsing through videos , whatsapp chats , quora answers are just fillers , it is like numbing your mind so that you stop feeling anything profound -  pure escapism .

Every few months when I hit rock bottom I try to reevaluate all the extra baggage we carry to make our lives more complicated and Unhappy.

When a long vacation is great or a meal outside is relaxing we cant always do that every single day.

We have to find something simple or productive to attain that zen like feeling during most part of our day

Idiotic it may sound but when the chaos hits me the first thing I start doing is simply decluttering my cub-board, it is therapeutic .

Getting rid of unnecessary and making physical empty space in house is instant mood booster.

A simple thing to brighten up your every day is cooking something which is simple and comforting. instant gratification.

And when to things or worst I run towards empathy , selfish it may sound but it heals you .

What to choose????

The best days of the life were getting ruined, kicked, and killed and I know I was part of all this somehow, things were not in my control and the frustration around them made it worse. Whatever little essence it had was lost to frustration. Waiting for each day to pass is such a miserable thing to do.

I thought about two options

1) Accepting the situation

i. This brought little peace. But most of the times the level of agitation was way above this feeling, but in the end I would try to convince myself that things will change.

2) Alter \ change the situation

i. This option can also be considered, may be initial fight will be difficult but in long run this will bring ultimate peace for sure. But the energy needed was tremendous and I was always surrounded by fears.

I don’t know how people deal with all this, may be an intelligent person with settle for option 1 and a brave person with option 2 but a fool like me will keep dangling between the choices to be made and living half heartedly till end.

Why can’t god make things easier?

Soil Your Hands – Tend some plants

I must say I am bit lucky here ,
I have soiled my hands digging small kitchen garden back home,
Removed the stones and leveled the area ,set fresh soil in ,
Planted green grass, some fruit plants watered them and watched them grow,
Some rose cutting , even tried basics of Grafting , a red rose from a pink rose plant ,
Grown some veggies , orange, mango, guava tree

Yes I did it all ,

Some flourished and others died but I have seen them grow ,

It is different kind of pleasure to plant a seed and see it growing. 
I can’t describe the feeling of that first fruit or flower on the plant you have grown,

It is sheer bliss.

As kids we would frequently check how much the little fruit has grown since morning.

Plants need, little water, some sunshine and love and they give much more in return,

In Mumbai it seems difficult but I promise to take care of small aloe Vera plant I have just bought.

Trust me without tending much it has already started giving me more than what I have asked for.

Solitary is the best form of attaining self happiness

Solitary is the best form of attaining self happiness.

The more you are person \ situation dependent the more sorrow you bring to your lives. Expectations rejections vacuum and then sorrow, it is true you can’t escape people completely, and they do bring some level of happiness in your lives but most of them are short lived,

If living in such a world brings just anxieties and sorrow then how to keep the child within alive??

Well I can’t answer it completely but I myself am trying to find the answers.

Internal happiness is a state and should never be dependent on the world outside. In the world around you can always behave conduct the way you are expected to. Fulfill your duties and try doing it with a smile but never let your inner self be fooled by this, always nourish it like a child, Seems difficult but not impossible. A smile on face doesn’t cost much but in long run will make you life less hostile.

1) Whenever possible indulge in activity you love – do whatever it takes.

Do it – just do it even if you are on one side of boxing ring and the entire world on other side. Live – Just live your life. Shout Cry scream all at same time and build wonderful memories for yourself. do anything you love , Cook some yummy mini meal for yourself , A walk in the nearby area, A book reading session , Get Glued to blogs , Watch a movie you love , Go for trekking , Get drenched in rains , Take an hour long bath . Shop. Do anything but self pity. Convincing , begging , Self pity are such mean words – don’t do that to yourself may be not for others but for god you are a beautiful creature and you got to respect it.

2) Spend time with yourself, Once in a while indulge in some serious thoughts about yourself and rest all time just chill, You don’t need to change the world or yourself, But a small time with yourself makes you feel calmer, Talking to yourself is such an awesome feeling, with no one to judge and no one to please you are just yourself. Celebrate being you J

3) Maintain dairy \ blog \ some writings of your thoughts, you can post it as anonymous, Vomit out there. Sometimes it is not important to find the answers but the questions which reside within you

4) Accept: accept situation, accept people, accept yourself and then decide how you want to react, running away doesn’t help all the time.

5) Seek happiness in spiritual things , don’t pray to god if you don’t believe in that but indulge in activities which make you feel closer to him, he has blessed you with this great sense when we know what is wrong and what is not. I always think what thought must be in gods head when he created man , did he just create it like animals or he thought a lot before creating him. What must be his idea behind all this? Did he want us to behave like animals if yes then why did he give us special powers.

6) No one can feel your pain the way you do , sharing may feel you better but rarely brings some help, Just try finding answers and solution with in

7) Never give up things which bring smile on you face for anyone, the will be the cheapest bargain ever. Every time you feel dead start all over again but never let it go, People always talk about the things they used to do when they were in school, college dating , with friends , find the things which always bring smile on your fame and do it , how will you feel to fall in love with them all over again.

8) How we remember the moments and memories in life and not days .Meet chat talk to old friends , they always bring some lovely memories about your past, Ask your mom how were you when you were a kid and she will have stories to share, she will tell you how mischievous you were too busy to be grumpy . How your cry was always followed by a giggle and then a laughter, how you would just cry once for a broken toy and then simply forget about it, how you would trouble her for the silliest and stupid things.

9) List down priorities in life –: Some activities are mandatory but bring no pleasure to you, do it anyway try with a bit more patience and precision and finish it fast to find time and energy for the things which you are passionate about. Don’t let mundane jobs take essence of your life, we can’t bring life to each activity we do but at least we should do some activity full of life daily.

Small notes -

I wanted freedom from the chains which had now starting piercing deep into the flesh leaving not even my bones untouched, I cried in pain, I screamed, it was unbearable – still i was inaudible. Helplessly I got up to walk few steps, before I crumbled and fall back for one last time and this time I was free – free from all the pains in this world till I will born again to be bound again by chains.

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Sometimes I find it very difficult to fight the fears within me, I feel clueless and it becomes almost difficult to think anything else. Feeling of being insignificant makes me feel away from the normal me.
I sometimes question myself that how difficult is it to motivate yourself to achieve something you love to do. I fear dying with a feeling that my life was a waste on earth.
I don’t know how to feel motivated and curb that negativity which resides within me to be a free soul

will somebody help me please
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In future I know I will repent about some said and unsaid words , but the worst thing is that I don’t know about all this today.
Today i am driven by emotions in current phase, which makes me do what i am doing and makes me say things which i am saying.

may be wisdom will come with mistakes and time
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Complexity of life, people around disturbs me so much that sometimes I wonder why god created this, what was his purpose of the creation of such complex thoughts and situations. When I see at people around I feel life is so miserable, so much of loneliness.
Attachments detachments, Reading about all this is one thing but accepting it is something else. Sometimes I feel sad about so many things in life , they look very minor but just bring jest of life .

We all feel like running away from sadness tension but it engulfs us and then destroys us

God please save you , bless us , love us -

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I am one soul. I just can’t concentrate on anything at all, I feel so lost irritated and sad most of the time, I just want to live away from all nonsense and concentrate on myself.
I feel least interested in anything I do. Be it work or personnel life , nothing excites me – somewhere I feel it is sigh of depression , but it is quit funny when I really don’t have much reason to be depressed, and yes no one will ever realize it, I just feel like getting away from all this . I feel like leaving everything and going back to my family and spend peaceful time with them all – may be till eternity.

I am really missing so many important things in life that some years later I will have nothing left with me. It is really a wired world, and yes being a human is the worst punishment god can ever give us, I feel so lonely most of the time. I talk chat and chill but inside a feel a big hallow, darkness and more darkness, I feel scared when I close my eyes as I feel that this chaos is going to gulp me completely. Sometimes life blesses you with reasons to smile and sometimes you just can’t find a single reason to live. I don’t know what I want in life, I just don’t know. I just live a lifeless life.

Out of all this chaos what I love most is talking to my mom – I just feel that she just binds me to this whole world when we are just no one.

we just miss out the real flavor of life

I have observed something funny these days.

I am crazy about this particular song and love listening to it endlessly on my mobile, this song has 2 paragraphs and the funny thing is that while 2nd paragraph starts (which is my most fav 1) I start feeling uneasy as I start bothering more about the end of song as I need to replay it before next song starts playing. In that way I never enjoy it completely and am more bothered about the replay activity.

I found it really stupid as - I was not actually enjoying the song and was feeling totally uneasy - sort of uncomfortable, I don't know if something like this happens to you , but I feel this very frequently . May be I am generally overexcited about this.

I can share 1 classic example

When I am having starter \ soup , more than enjoying it what I am bothered is the food item I am gonna order for main course , and while having main course I just think about the desert me gonna order. Do you know in the process I enjoy nothing - except the confusion? :)

The idea of just sitting back casually and enjoying life is missing - We are always in hurry - But I fail to understand why –Have we programmed ourselves like this ??

I guess in real life too we just miss out the real flavor of life and like worrying about what is gonna happen next - and i hate this :(

Un-complicate Life

Well this is really easier said than done , I don't have any mantra to share that can uncomplicated things in your life but yes atleast if you paste this message on your desk and near you bed then definitely you will start doing something about it.



Last few weeks I was endlessly upset about things, not very major though - but just too cribbing, complaining and least interested in anything I do. I know we all feel same at some point of life, Sometimes we have big problems to worry about and most of the times we just pay more importance to irrelevant things which lead to unhappiness.



This is what I am gonna do about it, Just feel like announcing it online so that I kind of make a open commitment J



1. Don't bother about -ve things \ people in personnel and professional life, just ignore them. They are not worth that you should waste time and effort thinking about them. Work by you strengths and forget about weaknesses.



2. List down things which bother you , everything even the silliest like " will I get to leave early today from office" , after that sort them as worries which are in your control and which are not , this will get clutter out of your mind at least you will know about the thoughts which go in your mind.



3. For worries which are in your control just list all possible solutions for them and paste then infort of you everywhere , like my worry is " if I can get morning bus to office " and solution is that " I need to get up early for that ". Just write it down somewhere and revisit that page again and again , revisit and start applying the solution.



4. For worries which are not in your control - just try to get rid of them from your mind. I know it is really difficult but any little effort is worth the effect.



5. Understand people around and just ensure that you behave with them just the way they expect - well it doesn't mean changing your basic personality, It simply means to avoid tiffle with people for eg, I don't mind teasing people , some people take it in healthy sense and some really get annoyed so I ensure I don't behave with people who don't like it at all.



6. Love people and be assured that they love you, don't start doubting it again and again - this way you are just giving yourself pain, different people have different ways of expressing themselves and if people don't react the way we want then we get upset, some people are very expressive and some are very subtle, it is difficult to change the basic nature of a person so the best way is to accept the way he \ she is with his weaknesses. Pinpointing weaknesses just make things worse , Remember even we are not perfect



7. Have happy friends , and just be happy friends to others , sometimes we don't need a problem solver but a cheerer , Chit chat , bitch , laugh , crib , tease and gossip with your happy friends just laugh out loud with them .



8. Stay away from people who are always cribbing, they are killing leave them alone - unless you want to be like one.



9. Enjoy being in love with you , list down things which you like and can be done alone , may be a walk , painting , reading , shopping , gyming do any of these when you dont have any company . It is good to spend time with yourself.



10. Be selfish sometimes, indulge in luxury, and lie royally sometimes. There is no harm when you are not harming anyone in the process.



11. Wear a smile and just compliment people, share good things and they will come back to you.



12. Spend time with your loved ones and cherish that time , remember the times when you were dying to do so and had nobody to talk to, don't waste good times in stupid egos.



13. Flush out - don't carry the extra baggage. Meet people and just chill out without bothering them about your problems - they too may have many.



14. Be yourself - be honest to yourself, you are special. be in love with yourself , the way you drees , the way you style your hair , the way you walk - You are he best creation of god

Just Random thoughts about me

1. Meeting and just chilling with my family and loved ones, that is the bestest thing , just calling my parents and loved ones makes me feel go good and so wanted in this world , they are the best things to happen in life. And love me unconditionally. Wish them loads and tons of happiness and good health.

• 2. A good day at work , well it need not be a very difficult project with complex stuff , but yes a well utilized day really makes me feel good. accomplishment are satisfying and appreciations are definitely icing on cake :)
  
  3. I love traveling , don’t know about the world but am surely gonna explore India for sure, The best part of trip is planning and googling about info , I read about peoples experiences through their blogs & pics and it is just so motivating that I sometimes feel like bag packing and just getting lost in woods for ever.
  
  4. Writing really gives me creative satisfaction, I know I am not the best writer - but whatever I write makes me feel proud and good – directly from heart to paper, it gives me immense satisfaction to just vomit all the frustrations and thoughts on my blogs , mostly people don’t agree with what I say , but some real sweet people (especially Supreet – my spiritual guru and E-mail buddy , not met yet ) writes such motivating and enlightening comments that I feel charged up.
  
  5. Gulzar is my fav , I love what he writes and really want to be like him someday , his words aren’t simple but ya they are sugar coated , that guy only can make “Kaminey” " word sound like “Gurr ke dali “. Mirza galib is another superb thing , his writings are in urdu - which I hardly understand but still they are beautiful. some of his lies
• Hamko maloom hai jannat ki haqeeuat lekin , dil ko khush rakhne ka khayal accha hai
• Hame kya bura tha marna , agar eeek bar hota
• na tha kuchch to KHuda tha, kuchch na hota to KHuda hota
  

6. I love reading and Paul Chealo is my fav writer, if you have read his books especially “ Zahir” you can feel what a superb spiritual guy he is. I feel so closer to god and myself when I read his books. I have read “Witch of portbeilio” twice and am planning to read it again. I wanna meet him some day .

7. I love meeting friends, specially the old ones, I don’t have any new friends thanks to my so called snobbish behavior. Well with time I have become a strong believer of one stupid theory “ It is good to have friends , but at very superficial level “ except one or two may be – Sunaina if you are reading this then i want to tell you that I love you and thanks for all the love and beautiful letters , you are a real darling , For rest all I just love to interact , chill , share , have good quality time , but then try to be disconnected, somewhere I have started feeling that I lack quality of being a good friend , I can give love immensely to people I love - but am stupid enuff to expect same in return and it doesn’t work most of the time – people get busy , moody , choosy and then they just get lost without bothering much - well same holds true for me also sometimes .

8. I love being with myself, I feel we are always alone in our worst phase of life - that is the time when we need people most , so if you can manage that time alone then why not whole life - I know it sounds depressing but trust me it is always good to communicate to yourself, who knows you better . It is very important to spend time with yourself and it really helps you a lot.

9. This is me

• I love not to take bath / brush my teeth on Sundays
• Read paper from last page to first.
• Can waste whole day reading blogs and whole night reading books or just listening to songs
• I can talk endlessly on any stupid topic till you get real bored and ask me to shut up.
• Their are days when I just retire to myself and hate people around
• I just feel so confused and restless when I visit temple. I feel more unstable and really weak . Feel like running away and can’t concentrate on anything at all.
• Sometimes I am very moody , and feel like crying endlessly without any reason
• I feel internaly so happy for so many days that i find it irritating when people say they are not happy with things.
• I am not much tolerant to people whom I don’t like. I prefer to ignore.
• I find it difficult to express myself, and retire to silent retaliation mode when I don’t like something.
• I just try to find stupid reasons to calm down - when people are not so good to me
• I love buying clothes , and yes discarding them ( a typical girlie thing)
• You can consult me for advices, I am good at this – but yes fail to follow same. easy is to preach.
• I bitch and crib a lot though I know this is so so so bad.
• I worry a lot, you will never realize it with my stupid jokes but inside I am such a tension freak.
• I love reading history – “ Multiple invasions on India “ , “ Hinduism “ , “ Gennis khan “ , ” Jews “ are my fav topics .
• I love exploring new eating joints and yes “ Kashmiri Wazwan “ is my fav food. There can nothing be as good as “ Roganjosh “ and “ Chok Charvan” . yummmmmm
• I feel very guilty if i indulge in some luxary , i just feel sad about it later thinking about so many people who just cant do it - i really hate being made like this
• I have 0% determination and fail everyday :(

JUST A SHOULDER TO CRY

I entered her room, she was upset –I finished my work and left the room with out bothering her.

After that I was not able to concentrate on anything so I decided to finally ask her if she needed any help

I sat next to her, asked her “if anything was wrong”, she said “do you really care?”

(I wished to say no -- crazy girl, I was trying to be nice and she was rude, but tried my best to control myself as I though that this was not the right time to think about all this)

I again asked her – “can I help?”

She said “No -you just leave”

(Now this was too much, and I actually got up to leave the room – she cared least and I was fuming)

Controlling me I again sat next to her.

I told her “tell me if I can help and if you think I can’t and still need a shoulder to cry then don’t hesitate”

Next few days were dry - just hiee and byessss – I decided not to probe further (but trust me it was really difficult for me)

Then on the fourth day I just went inside her room and sat next to her, didn’t say anything – just sat there.

She hugged me tightly and cried endlessly for almost 20 min - wetting my tee and almost suffocating me.

None of us said anything but she cried her heart out and I let her to - as I had made a promise “in case you need a shoulder to cry don’t hesitate”:

Sometimes what we need is just a shoulder to cry