JUST A SHOULDER TO CRY

I entered her room, she was upset –I finished my work and left the room with out bothering her.

After that I was not able to concentrate on anything so I decided to finally ask her if she needed any help

I sat next to her, asked her “if anything was wrong”, she said “do you really care?”

(I wished to say no -- crazy girl, I was trying to be nice and she was rude, but tried my best to control myself as I though that this was not the right time to think about all this)

I again asked her – “can I help?”

She said “No -you just leave”

(Now this was too much, and I actually got up to leave the room – she cared least and I was fuming)

Controlling me I again sat next to her.

I told her “tell me if I can help and if you think I can’t and still need a shoulder to cry then don’t hesitate”

Next few days were dry - just hiee and byessss – I decided not to probe further (but trust me it was really difficult for me)

Then on the fourth day I just went inside her room and sat next to her, didn’t say anything – just sat there.

She hugged me tightly and cried endlessly for almost 20 min - wetting my tee and almost suffocating me.

None of us said anything but she cried her heart out and I let her to - as I had made a promise “in case you need a shoulder to cry don’t hesitate”:

Sometimes what we need is just a shoulder to cry

I ask god for forgiveness.

Previous few days have been lifeless,
I was getting up every day to finish the day to sleep on time,
And sleeping each night to get up early to reach office on time.

Life was going nowhere – still it is not on track infact I have started believing that it will never be
When people say “ Manush Janam is a sin “ may be they are right
when ISKON preaches “ To move away from this mortal body and devote yourself to god” may be they also are right ,

I have seen so many contradicting people that by the end it is difficult for me to identify what I belong to.
I love buying stuff – when ISKON preaches that “ MOH tayag do , Icheon pe niyantran( Control your desires)” then this though goes for a toss when I want to buy something I like
My heart - body - mind all shout in union “I want this”

It seems difficult to withdraw myself from this life.
But then at personnel level I have become very - very patient,
I try to analyze before reacting to anything
Listen to people even if I differ and never force anyone into something I feel is right
Do what I can to me best level, least expecting people to contribute there bit
Slowly - Slowly trying to do good to my soul.

It is so much difficult to react to so many things sometimes that I pray to god for forgiveness for being selfish.
I take a deep breath and console myself for the lost tears.
I ask god for forgiveness.

Abstract

We don’t know what it takes to Love or Live

May be we will always live in Darkness and Ignorance
Our lives are divided into slots and
We are living a normal life by shuffling between these slots,
We learn a particular way of living from the people around us and just follow it
We never ask questions as we have no one to answer to then.
And to avoid answering these questions we keep  distracting ourselves

But while shuffling in between these slots we feel an un-fulfilled void , as if we are cheating ourselves or simply escaping

Busyness wont do any good to our soul, but definitely make us feel less useless

Fears, loneliness, desperation starts residing in our hearts and slowly conquer bigger parts of our soul

How much hard we try to hide from others, 
we are always naked in front of our own soul.
And this is the most painful part of life , 
you can escape from world but not from yourself

It may be difficult to detach – but that is the only way to happiness

We all want to do that one thing which gives our soul happiness and our life the perfect meaning
You don’t need to be someone different (eg a movie start or a player) to be happy
But you need to learn to enjoy small things in life

We all need love to grow
It makes us beautiful,
It makes your heart happy
Love means freedom,

But then you also need to learn one basic thing that people, situations and priorities changes,
Everything changes in due course of time
How much you cry, nothing gonna change and you need to understand this

Love, but don’t expect – you will be happy

It may be difficult to detach yourself – but that is the only way to happiness

DEDICATED to my all time favourite writer – Paul Coelho

When I read zahir – I cried loudly .
That was the book which touched my soul
I felt so many incidents and narrations close to my heart,
I feel as if writer knows me
May be he understands me , and I could realte to him in so many ways

Alchamist was OK.
May be I did not understand that book


But

“Veronica decided to die” and “eleven minutes” were magic and masterpieces

Really so many times we feel the way Veronica felt
-- Aimless –
as if we are deprived of love,
as if something is missing in life,
as if we want something but don’t know what

We still crave for something

“That actually made me feel that life is all about dreams – pick one and live for that “
“ You are always alone in the worst phase of life ,you have to fight all battles alone - cribbing and crying wont help , just learn to live with yourself “
“ Zahir – search for your Zahir , he/ she will bring best out of you “
“How so ever difficult it may be – but never let your inner self (the kid) with in you die – trust me we all are beautiful in one way or other “
"Laugh out loud, cry out loud – for whom are you holding back yourself “

“Eleven minutes”

People who have read the book know what the 11 minutes writer is talking about.
Again this book dealt with a very sensitive issue
Not a single sentence was offensive
Maria was a prostitute – and Paul beautifully presented her as a Mother - Sister – Partner -- Friend through her profession
He presented her profession with respect.
Men (Her customer) used to come to her not because she was beautiful , but she could absorb their pain.
She never complained, she accepted them the way they were .
She made them feel good.

I think she really was an angel?
A mother 20 years of age, who could console a 40 years old man

“Then that book was about dreams too, holding back any feeling in a small age – haunted her through out her life “


The other book I liked about the author was “Fifth Mountain “
It talked about rebuild
Rebuild what is destroyed
Every one of us is born with a purpose,
God will definitely bring you close to that.
He will do his bit, rest is left on you.

“Just try to rebuild which has broken “

The latest one which I read was “By the piadra, I sat and cried “

Love is the most beautiful feeling and strength in this world.
Mother can do anything for her baby – and that is the true and purest form of love
If any other relation can just touch that one – believe me you have made something meaningful out of your life.

“Believe your dreams, how stupid they are, they belong to you, follow them chase them “


‘” Maketub “and “like a flowing river “were collection of short stories,
All of them heart touching

I wonder how blessed Paul is
He can touch so many lives
He writing is so powerful
He actually has given meaning to so many lives
When I read him, I feel his thoughts are so simple.
He books actually penetrate your heart and – you are left with a mesmerizing effect

Do you know why we should write?

Do you know why we should write?
In the night before going to sleep,
We generally go through flashback.
I mean so many things run through our mind ….
And the very next day we forget all that.

Writing gives your mind stability,
You tend to give shape to your thoughts and then you relate to so many people like you


Has it ever happened to you that you are traveling (may be in a bus / train)
Watching the trees and people outside,
Looking at the clouds and mountains and watching then receding away when your train speeds up.
At that time your mind is full of thoughts, so many - so many of them - you just keep wondering –
That time your mind is calm and away from your daily stuff so you are free from the rest of the world and you are on your own –

That is the time which is meant for your dreams and your retrospection into your past , and your future –
Try to write down all these feeling if possible

Everything that you feel
Even the stupidest stuff, let people laugh at them
Don’t give a damm

How to Move away from all this

I have been thinking a lot on trivial things
But they bring me closer to god
We run after stupid things
We always tend to bend to make people around us happy
We generally forget to water our own heart

In the end everything is futile
In the end everything turns meaningless
Why run after things which are gonna die anyways

Move away from all this

Sometimes it is very - very difficult to understand all this
I turn so mean and selfish that I just don’t want to think all this
I close my eyes like ostrich and feel that time will pass by

It becomes difficult to detach but I guess that is the only way out

Momentary happiness brings more sadness and vacuum in life

The day I plan to detach my self
Life becomes suddenly easy

The day I plan to be easy going
Life annoys me with stupid conflicts

I feel confused and lifeless

I wonder how to detach myself
Momentary happiness brings more sadness and vacuum in life

I want to achieve complete happiness
I want a life
Less people dependent
Less material dependent
Less need dependent

Books

After a gap of almost one year
Again I started reading in full swing
Sybil, Godfather, by the river piadra I sat and cried and water are done
And the pending list has
Shantaram 40% left (Book Size scares me)
Animal Farm (50% )
1984
Princess
Tusedays With Morrie
World Is Flat
Papilion
A walk to remmember
Brida

Books I want to reread
Zahir
Alchemist
Monk Who Sold his Ferrari

Why and What

Shed the unnecessary was a line which I encountered many times
I read it in “the monk who sold his Ferrari”
Shed the unnecessary
Crawl don’t run
If today you have thought that tomm you will become intelligent then it is sheer foolishness
Life does not take jumps but takes little steps
The first that can be done is as simple as realizing what and why?
What is unnecessary in your life?
And why is it necessary to shed it

Aimless - Aimless

I was wondering on road
Aimless – Aimless
I walked on same road many times
I kept walking to and fro
Round and round
When I got tired – I sat for some time
Then again I got up
Moved in circles
Tooooooooooo froooooooooo
Tooooooooooo froooooooooo
I again got tired and took some rest before I started again

Until I realized I have got a motive
God wants me to keep moving

NameSake

My fav Dialogues from the movie
Ashima - “Probably he was teaching me to live alone “

Ashok – oh ho - no camera, we came this long and forgot camera, now what to do
hmmm – googol do one thing, remember this
Gogol – till when baba
Ashok – till ever beta
Gogol – baba - what do have I to remember
Ashok – remember you and I came to a place
From where we couldn’t go anywhere
Gogol – k baba

Ashima – There was no need to do this
Gogol – But I wanted to do it





I remembered about the day I used to school with my dad
Holding his finger with my small hand

Running to keep pace with him
We can never repay to our parents

“Maybe today you get angry when you see budding M F Hussein’s paintings on the walls of your house
When I leave my fingerprints on the wall
Soon I will grow and you will keep wondering – when the fingerprints won’t match “

That day I won’t be your little kid anymore
That day even I will feel stupid about the pencil sketches on the walls

Ignorance would have been bliss

I have met very less people like me - who know that they are confused
God has brought me closer to Questions but have left me wandering to find answers

God has also made a whole class who are untouched by confusion
They are busy in parting and enjoying and are untouched by so many things
I asked god “why you made me to like this ?”
I would have been happy if I would have been untouched by your feel
I would have been normal like many others – who are bound by limits when they think they are free
I would have felt liberated in a cage – though unknown to the cage around me
Timeless happiness would have been restricted to things I could have been able to buy by money

Ignorance would have been bliss

Now I am a dead man
I belong to No world
I can’t attain happiness in materialistic things
Neither can I be an atheist nor a common man
Will I live in confusion throughout?

Blissful Boredom

Blissful Boredom

These days when I don’t have much work
I keep dedicatedly updating my blog
I love writing
There is some magic attached with words
You feel light after vomiting out on paper
Then they don’t retaliate back
Blame anyone – they won’t contradict
Crib big time – words wont feel drizzy
Share your insane dreams – they won’t laugh at you
Visit them after ages – they won’t complain

They Just Absorb your Boredom

Pursuit of happiness is not invention of happiness but it is discovery of happiness

“When you are unhappy or sad think about the positive things in your life
May be your parents, any good friend, your job, your past achievement
You will feel great to god when you realize that you are blessed with so many beautiful things in life
There are people in life who are not as privileged as you are “

I know it is easy to say than done

But “Pursuit of happiness is not invention of happiness but it is discovery of happiness”
At any moment life won’t be that dark that you won’t find a single reason to smile
Everything is matter of time
Never stop trying but never take failure to heart
People who evolve from failures as winners are the toughest people to deal with
They cherish success and enjoy it the most

Have Fun And God Bless You

happiness belongs to you

Off late I have become more patient somehow
Don’t know why but I have realized that allowing people and conditions to handle your mood is not wise
Mind and heart are full of conflicts
Contradicting thoughts
Conflicting situations
At any moment you have multiple choices which make your life more demanding
The decision that brings you closer to humanity is always the best decision
The decision which leaves you with no heavy heart is the best decision
The decision that helps you to move away from anger and selfishness is the best decision
The decision that makes you humble is the best decision

You always have choices to react – but the reaction leaves you with no guilt is the best choice
The reaction which makes your heart proud of you is the best decision

black friday

I saw Black Friday Some 2 months back
I don’t know what made me write a post on that today

May be I saw Pawan Malhotras (Tiger Menon) picture in yesterdays newspaper

Black Friday was promoted as a movie on Mumbai bomb blasts
It was promoted as a KK movie
It was promoted as Pawan Malhotra movie
“ Akkha Mumbai ko Angar bana deega “
Shit he was mind-blowing in that scene

But But But
The Hero Of the movie was “badshah Khan” ( Aditya Srhivastav )
People who have seen the movie can never deny the fact that he rocked in each and every scene in the movie
If was not a movie entirely about hindu muslim roits
But that concept was simply backdrop of the movie

Story was about self evolvement
Or simply mind change of a person
It was about transformation of
Badshah Khan THE criminal to a police witness.

“bharam bhaap ke - sharam dhaanp ke - karam naap ke -bhaaga re”
this song is the most haunted song I have heard in recent times

Kks statement “ Is bar Khudha hamare saath hai – tumhare saath nahi “
Made him realises that there is no justification to his acts

"raat hindole pe baitha ek

banda rota jhul gaya

padhli aaj kuraan magar main

aayaton ko bhul gaya

kaahe re kohla ko dhunde hain

iss makadi ki jaalein mein

wo bhi baat madina mein hain

jo hai baat shivaalay mein "

No crime can be justified in front of any god
It is a mind blowing movie

why not to write a book

“This is with reference to a friends mail - who said he will publish my book if I am willing to write it
That made me think about it seriously until I reached to this decision”

If I was asked to write a book
I wonder what should I write about
I don’t have any funny stories to tell
Never have I gone through any major controversy or tragedy that people should know about
Nor even have I any exceptionally experience to mention about

I am a normal human being like you all
Who lives a normal life
Enjoys what he/she loves and
Cribs about what she/he hates
I feel jealous when people around me enjoy when I am sad
AND
I wonder why people are so cribbing and un socializing types when I am on a high
Isn’t it weird ?????


But Yaaa
I love blogging
The blog gives me a vent
I can reach out to people who are actually interested in reading my nonsense stuff
You meet people who somehow can relate to your perception of life
Best part of the blog is that you don’t force people to read your crap
They have choice
If they like they will continue reading it
Else they will retire midway

Some people criticize you - some admire you
Life is not bound by rules
Everyone has a different story to tell
Live the way which suits you


But when I write I just don’t care about anything
I mean I write freely
I write to put my thoughts on paper
I never bother about the writing skills or the spellings
In fact I hardly ever edit my post
If I edit any line I feel I have killed a though to make the post look beautiful

Secondly I write honestly
I don’t hold back anything when I write
Who you are afraid to
People who know you will know you anyways
People who don’t know you will get to know you like this

My posts are honest exhibition of my thoughts

Coming back to writing a book
I am sorry yarr I can never do it
But it felt great to read such a response from you

My thoughts are in small fragments
They are not continuous
Most of the time I keep contradicting myself
Who will read something written by such a person who himself is confused

People want to read answers to questions – they don’t want more questions

A point call VACCUMM

I don’t know how to think positive
I don’t know how to take initiative
I don’t know what being optimistic means
Why do we always have to start from scratch?
There is no stability
You fight for a cause till that cause sheds its importance
Then you pick up new one
Then again u start from scratch
Till you again reach to a point call VACCUMM
where there is no life
nothing absolutely nothing
It is a vicious circle
You will never reach destination
You will always keep looping

Balanced Life

I don’t want to live the life of a monk
I don’t want to live detached from the worldly pleasures
I don’t want to live detached from feelings like happiness and sadness
I don’t want to reach to the level where I have no desires

But then

I don’t want to be part of a world where everything is materialistic
I don’t want to be part of a world where people exchange hatred
I don’t want to be part of the world where what matters is money
I don’t want to be part of world where human emotions mean nothing
I don’t want to a level where I grow economically and deteriorate personally

Easy is to detach
Difficult is to fight back
Easy is to escape
Difficult is to stay back