Small notes -

I wanted freedom from the chains which had now starting piercing deep into the flesh leaving not even my bones untouched, I cried in pain, I screamed, it was unbearable – still i was inaudible. Helplessly I got up to walk few steps, before I crumbled and fall back for one last time and this time I was free – free from all the pains in this world till I will born again to be bound again by chains.

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Sometimes I find it very difficult to fight the fears within me, I feel clueless and it becomes almost difficult to think anything else. Feeling of being insignificant makes me feel away from the normal me.
I sometimes question myself that how difficult is it to motivate yourself to achieve something you love to do. I fear dying with a feeling that my life was a waste on earth.
I don’t know how to feel motivated and curb that negativity which resides within me to be a free soul

will somebody help me please
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In future I know I will repent about some said and unsaid words , but the worst thing is that I don’t know about all this today.
Today i am driven by emotions in current phase, which makes me do what i am doing and makes me say things which i am saying.

may be wisdom will come with mistakes and time
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Complexity of life, people around disturbs me so much that sometimes I wonder why god created this, what was his purpose of the creation of such complex thoughts and situations. When I see at people around I feel life is so miserable, so much of loneliness.
Attachments detachments, Reading about all this is one thing but accepting it is something else. Sometimes I feel sad about so many things in life , they look very minor but just bring jest of life .

We all feel like running away from sadness tension but it engulfs us and then destroys us

God please save you , bless us , love us -

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I am one soul. I just can’t concentrate on anything at all, I feel so lost irritated and sad most of the time, I just want to live away from all nonsense and concentrate on myself.
I feel least interested in anything I do. Be it work or personnel life , nothing excites me – somewhere I feel it is sigh of depression , but it is quit funny when I really don’t have much reason to be depressed, and yes no one will ever realize it, I just feel like getting away from all this . I feel like leaving everything and going back to my family and spend peaceful time with them all – may be till eternity.

I am really missing so many important things in life that some years later I will have nothing left with me. It is really a wired world, and yes being a human is the worst punishment god can ever give us, I feel so lonely most of the time. I talk chat and chill but inside a feel a big hallow, darkness and more darkness, I feel scared when I close my eyes as I feel that this chaos is going to gulp me completely. Sometimes life blesses you with reasons to smile and sometimes you just can’t find a single reason to live. I don’t know what I want in life, I just don’t know. I just live a lifeless life.

Out of all this chaos what I love most is talking to my mom – I just feel that she just binds me to this whole world when we are just no one.

we just miss out the real flavor of life

I have observed something funny these days.

I am crazy about this particular song and love listening to it endlessly on my mobile, this song has 2 paragraphs and the funny thing is that while 2nd paragraph starts (which is my most fav 1) I start feeling uneasy as I start bothering more about the end of song as I need to replay it before next song starts playing. In that way I never enjoy it completely and am more bothered about the replay activity.

I found it really stupid as - I was not actually enjoying the song and was feeling totally uneasy - sort of uncomfortable, I don't know if something like this happens to you , but I feel this very frequently . May be I am generally overexcited about this.

I can share 1 classic example

When I am having starter \ soup , more than enjoying it what I am bothered is the food item I am gonna order for main course , and while having main course I just think about the desert me gonna order. Do you know in the process I enjoy nothing - except the confusion? :)

The idea of just sitting back casually and enjoying life is missing - We are always in hurry - But I fail to understand why –Have we programmed ourselves like this ??

I guess in real life too we just miss out the real flavor of life and like worrying about what is gonna happen next - and i hate this :(

Un-complicate Life

Well this is really easier said than done , I don't have any mantra to share that can uncomplicated things in your life but yes atleast if you paste this message on your desk and near you bed then definitely you will start doing something about it.



Last few weeks I was endlessly upset about things, not very major though - but just too cribbing, complaining and least interested in anything I do. I know we all feel same at some point of life, Sometimes we have big problems to worry about and most of the times we just pay more importance to irrelevant things which lead to unhappiness.



This is what I am gonna do about it, Just feel like announcing it online so that I kind of make a open commitment J



1. Don't bother about -ve things \ people in personnel and professional life, just ignore them. They are not worth that you should waste time and effort thinking about them. Work by you strengths and forget about weaknesses.



2. List down things which bother you , everything even the silliest like " will I get to leave early today from office" , after that sort them as worries which are in your control and which are not , this will get clutter out of your mind at least you will know about the thoughts which go in your mind.



3. For worries which are in your control just list all possible solutions for them and paste then infort of you everywhere , like my worry is " if I can get morning bus to office " and solution is that " I need to get up early for that ". Just write it down somewhere and revisit that page again and again , revisit and start applying the solution.



4. For worries which are not in your control - just try to get rid of them from your mind. I know it is really difficult but any little effort is worth the effect.



5. Understand people around and just ensure that you behave with them just the way they expect - well it doesn't mean changing your basic personality, It simply means to avoid tiffle with people for eg, I don't mind teasing people , some people take it in healthy sense and some really get annoyed so I ensure I don't behave with people who don't like it at all.



6. Love people and be assured that they love you, don't start doubting it again and again - this way you are just giving yourself pain, different people have different ways of expressing themselves and if people don't react the way we want then we get upset, some people are very expressive and some are very subtle, it is difficult to change the basic nature of a person so the best way is to accept the way he \ she is with his weaknesses. Pinpointing weaknesses just make things worse , Remember even we are not perfect



7. Have happy friends , and just be happy friends to others , sometimes we don't need a problem solver but a cheerer , Chit chat , bitch , laugh , crib , tease and gossip with your happy friends just laugh out loud with them .



8. Stay away from people who are always cribbing, they are killing leave them alone - unless you want to be like one.



9. Enjoy being in love with you , list down things which you like and can be done alone , may be a walk , painting , reading , shopping , gyming do any of these when you dont have any company . It is good to spend time with yourself.



10. Be selfish sometimes, indulge in luxury, and lie royally sometimes. There is no harm when you are not harming anyone in the process.



11. Wear a smile and just compliment people, share good things and they will come back to you.



12. Spend time with your loved ones and cherish that time , remember the times when you were dying to do so and had nobody to talk to, don't waste good times in stupid egos.



13. Flush out - don't carry the extra baggage. Meet people and just chill out without bothering them about your problems - they too may have many.



14. Be yourself - be honest to yourself, you are special. be in love with yourself , the way you drees , the way you style your hair , the way you walk - You are he best creation of god

Just Random thoughts about me

1. Meeting and just chilling with my family and loved ones, that is the bestest thing , just calling my parents and loved ones makes me feel go good and so wanted in this world , they are the best things to happen in life. And love me unconditionally. Wish them loads and tons of happiness and good health.

• 2. A good day at work , well it need not be a very difficult project with complex stuff , but yes a well utilized day really makes me feel good. accomplishment are satisfying and appreciations are definitely icing on cake :)
  
  3. I love traveling , don’t know about the world but am surely gonna explore India for sure, The best part of trip is planning and googling about info , I read about peoples experiences through their blogs & pics and it is just so motivating that I sometimes feel like bag packing and just getting lost in woods for ever.
  
  4. Writing really gives me creative satisfaction, I know I am not the best writer - but whatever I write makes me feel proud and good – directly from heart to paper, it gives me immense satisfaction to just vomit all the frustrations and thoughts on my blogs , mostly people don’t agree with what I say , but some real sweet people (especially Supreet – my spiritual guru and E-mail buddy , not met yet ) writes such motivating and enlightening comments that I feel charged up.
  
  5. Gulzar is my fav , I love what he writes and really want to be like him someday , his words aren’t simple but ya they are sugar coated , that guy only can make “Kaminey” " word sound like “Gurr ke dali “. Mirza galib is another superb thing , his writings are in urdu - which I hardly understand but still they are beautiful. some of his lies
• Hamko maloom hai jannat ki haqeeuat lekin , dil ko khush rakhne ka khayal accha hai
• Hame kya bura tha marna , agar eeek bar hota
• na tha kuchch to KHuda tha, kuchch na hota to KHuda hota
  

6. I love reading and Paul Chealo is my fav writer, if you have read his books especially “ Zahir” you can feel what a superb spiritual guy he is. I feel so closer to god and myself when I read his books. I have read “Witch of portbeilio” twice and am planning to read it again. I wanna meet him some day .

7. I love meeting friends, specially the old ones, I don’t have any new friends thanks to my so called snobbish behavior. Well with time I have become a strong believer of one stupid theory “ It is good to have friends , but at very superficial level “ except one or two may be – Sunaina if you are reading this then i want to tell you that I love you and thanks for all the love and beautiful letters , you are a real darling , For rest all I just love to interact , chill , share , have good quality time , but then try to be disconnected, somewhere I have started feeling that I lack quality of being a good friend , I can give love immensely to people I love - but am stupid enuff to expect same in return and it doesn’t work most of the time – people get busy , moody , choosy and then they just get lost without bothering much - well same holds true for me also sometimes .

8. I love being with myself, I feel we are always alone in our worst phase of life - that is the time when we need people most , so if you can manage that time alone then why not whole life - I know it sounds depressing but trust me it is always good to communicate to yourself, who knows you better . It is very important to spend time with yourself and it really helps you a lot.

9. This is me

• I love not to take bath / brush my teeth on Sundays
• Read paper from last page to first.
• Can waste whole day reading blogs and whole night reading books or just listening to songs
• I can talk endlessly on any stupid topic till you get real bored and ask me to shut up.
• Their are days when I just retire to myself and hate people around
• I just feel so confused and restless when I visit temple. I feel more unstable and really weak . Feel like running away and can’t concentrate on anything at all.
• Sometimes I am very moody , and feel like crying endlessly without any reason
• I feel internaly so happy for so many days that i find it irritating when people say they are not happy with things.
• I am not much tolerant to people whom I don’t like. I prefer to ignore.
• I find it difficult to express myself, and retire to silent retaliation mode when I don’t like something.
• I just try to find stupid reasons to calm down - when people are not so good to me
• I love buying clothes , and yes discarding them ( a typical girlie thing)
• You can consult me for advices, I am good at this – but yes fail to follow same. easy is to preach.
• I bitch and crib a lot though I know this is so so so bad.
• I worry a lot, you will never realize it with my stupid jokes but inside I am such a tension freak.
• I love reading history – “ Multiple invasions on India “ , “ Hinduism “ , “ Gennis khan “ , ” Jews “ are my fav topics .
• I love exploring new eating joints and yes “ Kashmiri Wazwan “ is my fav food. There can nothing be as good as “ Roganjosh “ and “ Chok Charvan” . yummmmmm
• I feel very guilty if i indulge in some luxary , i just feel sad about it later thinking about so many people who just cant do it - i really hate being made like this
• I have 0% determination and fail everyday :(

JUST A SHOULDER TO CRY

I entered her room, she was upset –I finished my work and left the room with out bothering her.

After that I was not able to concentrate on anything so I decided to finally ask her if she needed any help

I sat next to her, asked her “if anything was wrong”, she said “do you really care?”

(I wished to say no -- crazy girl, I was trying to be nice and she was rude, but tried my best to control myself as I though that this was not the right time to think about all this)

I again asked her – “can I help?”

She said “No -you just leave”

(Now this was too much, and I actually got up to leave the room – she cared least and I was fuming)

Controlling me I again sat next to her.

I told her “tell me if I can help and if you think I can’t and still need a shoulder to cry then don’t hesitate”

Next few days were dry - just hiee and byessss – I decided not to probe further (but trust me it was really difficult for me)

Then on the fourth day I just went inside her room and sat next to her, didn’t say anything – just sat there.

She hugged me tightly and cried endlessly for almost 20 min - wetting my tee and almost suffocating me.

None of us said anything but she cried her heart out and I let her to - as I had made a promise “in case you need a shoulder to cry don’t hesitate”:

Sometimes what we need is just a shoulder to cry

I ask god for forgiveness.

Previous few days have been lifeless,
I was getting up every day to finish the day to sleep on time,
And sleeping each night to get up early to reach office on time.

Life was going nowhere – still it is not on track infact I have started believing that it will never be
When people say “ Manush Janam is a sin “ may be they are right
when ISKON preaches “ To move away from this mortal body and devote yourself to god” may be they also are right ,

I have seen so many contradicting people that by the end it is difficult for me to identify what I belong to.
I love buying stuff – when ISKON preaches that “ MOH tayag do , Icheon pe niyantran( Control your desires)” then this though goes for a toss when I want to buy something I like
My heart - body - mind all shout in union “I want this”

It seems difficult to withdraw myself from this life.
But then at personnel level I have become very - very patient,
I try to analyze before reacting to anything
Listen to people even if I differ and never force anyone into something I feel is right
Do what I can to me best level, least expecting people to contribute there bit
Slowly - Slowly trying to do good to my soul.

It is so much difficult to react to so many things sometimes that I pray to god for forgiveness for being selfish.
I take a deep breath and console myself for the lost tears.
I ask god for forgiveness.

Abstract

We don’t know what it takes to Love or Live

May be we will always live in Darkness and Ignorance
Our lives are divided into slots and
We are living a normal life by shuffling between these slots,
We learn a particular way of living from the people around us and just follow it
We never ask questions as we have no one to answer to then.
And to avoid answering these questions we keep  distracting ourselves

But while shuffling in between these slots we feel an un-fulfilled void , as if we are cheating ourselves or simply escaping

Busyness wont do any good to our soul, but definitely make us feel less useless

Fears, loneliness, desperation starts residing in our hearts and slowly conquer bigger parts of our soul

How much hard we try to hide from others, 
we are always naked in front of our own soul.
And this is the most painful part of life , 
you can escape from world but not from yourself

It may be difficult to detach – but that is the only way to happiness

We all want to do that one thing which gives our soul happiness and our life the perfect meaning
You don’t need to be someone different (eg a movie start or a player) to be happy
But you need to learn to enjoy small things in life

We all need love to grow
It makes us beautiful,
It makes your heart happy
Love means freedom,

But then you also need to learn one basic thing that people, situations and priorities changes,
Everything changes in due course of time
How much you cry, nothing gonna change and you need to understand this

Love, but don’t expect – you will be happy

It may be difficult to detach yourself – but that is the only way to happiness

DEDICATED to my all time favourite writer – Paul Coelho

When I read zahir – I cried loudly .
That was the book which touched my soul
I felt so many incidents and narrations close to my heart,
I feel as if writer knows me
May be he understands me , and I could realte to him in so many ways

Alchamist was OK.
May be I did not understand that book


But

“Veronica decided to die” and “eleven minutes” were magic and masterpieces

Really so many times we feel the way Veronica felt
-- Aimless –
as if we are deprived of love,
as if something is missing in life,
as if we want something but don’t know what

We still crave for something

“That actually made me feel that life is all about dreams – pick one and live for that “
“ You are always alone in the worst phase of life ,you have to fight all battles alone - cribbing and crying wont help , just learn to live with yourself “
“ Zahir – search for your Zahir , he/ she will bring best out of you “
“How so ever difficult it may be – but never let your inner self (the kid) with in you die – trust me we all are beautiful in one way or other “
"Laugh out loud, cry out loud – for whom are you holding back yourself “

“Eleven minutes”

People who have read the book know what the 11 minutes writer is talking about.
Again this book dealt with a very sensitive issue
Not a single sentence was offensive
Maria was a prostitute – and Paul beautifully presented her as a Mother - Sister – Partner -- Friend through her profession
He presented her profession with respect.
Men (Her customer) used to come to her not because she was beautiful , but she could absorb their pain.
She never complained, she accepted them the way they were .
She made them feel good.

I think she really was an angel?
A mother 20 years of age, who could console a 40 years old man

“Then that book was about dreams too, holding back any feeling in a small age – haunted her through out her life “


The other book I liked about the author was “Fifth Mountain “
It talked about rebuild
Rebuild what is destroyed
Every one of us is born with a purpose,
God will definitely bring you close to that.
He will do his bit, rest is left on you.

“Just try to rebuild which has broken “

The latest one which I read was “By the piadra, I sat and cried “

Love is the most beautiful feeling and strength in this world.
Mother can do anything for her baby – and that is the true and purest form of love
If any other relation can just touch that one – believe me you have made something meaningful out of your life.

“Believe your dreams, how stupid they are, they belong to you, follow them chase them “


‘” Maketub “and “like a flowing river “were collection of short stories,
All of them heart touching

I wonder how blessed Paul is
He can touch so many lives
He writing is so powerful
He actually has given meaning to so many lives
When I read him, I feel his thoughts are so simple.
He books actually penetrate your heart and – you are left with a mesmerizing effect

Do you know why we should write?

Do you know why we should write?
In the night before going to sleep,
We generally go through flashback.
I mean so many things run through our mind ….
And the very next day we forget all that.

Writing gives your mind stability,
You tend to give shape to your thoughts and then you relate to so many people like you


Has it ever happened to you that you are traveling (may be in a bus / train)
Watching the trees and people outside,
Looking at the clouds and mountains and watching then receding away when your train speeds up.
At that time your mind is full of thoughts, so many - so many of them - you just keep wondering –
That time your mind is calm and away from your daily stuff so you are free from the rest of the world and you are on your own –

That is the time which is meant for your dreams and your retrospection into your past , and your future –
Try to write down all these feeling if possible

Everything that you feel
Even the stupidest stuff, let people laugh at them
Don’t give a damm

How to Move away from all this

I have been thinking a lot on trivial things
But they bring me closer to god
We run after stupid things
We always tend to bend to make people around us happy
We generally forget to water our own heart

In the end everything is futile
In the end everything turns meaningless
Why run after things which are gonna die anyways

Move away from all this

Sometimes it is very - very difficult to understand all this
I turn so mean and selfish that I just don’t want to think all this
I close my eyes like ostrich and feel that time will pass by

It becomes difficult to detach but I guess that is the only way out

Momentary happiness brings more sadness and vacuum in life

The day I plan to detach my self
Life becomes suddenly easy

The day I plan to be easy going
Life annoys me with stupid conflicts

I feel confused and lifeless

I wonder how to detach myself
Momentary happiness brings more sadness and vacuum in life

I want to achieve complete happiness
I want a life
Less people dependent
Less material dependent
Less need dependent

Books

After a gap of almost one year
Again I started reading in full swing
Sybil, Godfather, by the river piadra I sat and cried and water are done
And the pending list has
Shantaram 40% left (Book Size scares me)
Animal Farm (50% )
1984
Princess
Tusedays With Morrie
World Is Flat
Papilion
A walk to remmember
Brida

Books I want to reread
Zahir
Alchemist
Monk Who Sold his Ferrari

Why and What

Shed the unnecessary was a line which I encountered many times
I read it in “the monk who sold his Ferrari”
Shed the unnecessary
Crawl don’t run
If today you have thought that tomm you will become intelligent then it is sheer foolishness
Life does not take jumps but takes little steps
The first that can be done is as simple as realizing what and why?
What is unnecessary in your life?
And why is it necessary to shed it

Aimless - Aimless

I was wondering on road
Aimless – Aimless
I walked on same road many times
I kept walking to and fro
Round and round
When I got tired – I sat for some time
Then again I got up
Moved in circles
Tooooooooooo froooooooooo
Tooooooooooo froooooooooo
I again got tired and took some rest before I started again

Until I realized I have got a motive
God wants me to keep moving

NameSake

My fav Dialogues from the movie
Ashima - “Probably he was teaching me to live alone “

Ashok – oh ho - no camera, we came this long and forgot camera, now what to do
hmmm – googol do one thing, remember this
Gogol – till when baba
Ashok – till ever beta
Gogol – baba - what do have I to remember
Ashok – remember you and I came to a place
From where we couldn’t go anywhere
Gogol – k baba

Ashima – There was no need to do this
Gogol – But I wanted to do it





I remembered about the day I used to school with my dad
Holding his finger with my small hand

Running to keep pace with him
We can never repay to our parents

“Maybe today you get angry when you see budding M F Hussein’s paintings on the walls of your house
When I leave my fingerprints on the wall
Soon I will grow and you will keep wondering – when the fingerprints won’t match “

That day I won’t be your little kid anymore
That day even I will feel stupid about the pencil sketches on the walls

Ignorance would have been bliss

I have met very less people like me - who know that they are confused
God has brought me closer to Questions but have left me wandering to find answers

God has also made a whole class who are untouched by confusion
They are busy in parting and enjoying and are untouched by so many things
I asked god “why you made me to like this ?”
I would have been happy if I would have been untouched by your feel
I would have been normal like many others – who are bound by limits when they think they are free
I would have felt liberated in a cage – though unknown to the cage around me
Timeless happiness would have been restricted to things I could have been able to buy by money

Ignorance would have been bliss

Now I am a dead man
I belong to No world
I can’t attain happiness in materialistic things
Neither can I be an atheist nor a common man
Will I live in confusion throughout?

Blissful Boredom

Blissful Boredom

These days when I don’t have much work
I keep dedicatedly updating my blog
I love writing
There is some magic attached with words
You feel light after vomiting out on paper
Then they don’t retaliate back
Blame anyone – they won’t contradict
Crib big time – words wont feel drizzy
Share your insane dreams – they won’t laugh at you
Visit them after ages – they won’t complain

They Just Absorb your Boredom

Pursuit of happiness is not invention of happiness but it is discovery of happiness

“When you are unhappy or sad think about the positive things in your life
May be your parents, any good friend, your job, your past achievement
You will feel great to god when you realize that you are blessed with so many beautiful things in life
There are people in life who are not as privileged as you are “

I know it is easy to say than done

But “Pursuit of happiness is not invention of happiness but it is discovery of happiness”
At any moment life won’t be that dark that you won’t find a single reason to smile
Everything is matter of time
Never stop trying but never take failure to heart
People who evolve from failures as winners are the toughest people to deal with
They cherish success and enjoy it the most

Have Fun And God Bless You

happiness belongs to you

Off late I have become more patient somehow
Don’t know why but I have realized that allowing people and conditions to handle your mood is not wise
Mind and heart are full of conflicts
Contradicting thoughts
Conflicting situations
At any moment you have multiple choices which make your life more demanding
The decision that brings you closer to humanity is always the best decision
The decision which leaves you with no heavy heart is the best decision
The decision that helps you to move away from anger and selfishness is the best decision
The decision that makes you humble is the best decision

You always have choices to react – but the reaction leaves you with no guilt is the best choice
The reaction which makes your heart proud of you is the best decision